So it started with me being desperate for a parking spot near campus. You know how brutal it is. I was circling USC Village like a vulture for the third time that week, and I saw this Tesla pull into a reserved spot. The driver hops out, scans something with his phone, and disappears into that weird basement entrance under Dulce. I’m like... huh? I waited until the guy left and decided — not my finest moment — to check the car. I wasn’t gonna steal anything, just see what kind of pass it had. Except instead of a parking pass, there was a silver envelope on the seat labeled: "For Initiates Only." Now I’m nosy and stupid, so I swipe it and walk away fast. I open it at home — and I swear to Tommy Trojan — it’s an invitation. Some cryptic instructions about meeting at “The Red Door, 11:11 PM, Thursday,” signed only with a symbol that looked like the shape of the McCarthy pool from above. So of course, I went. I thought it would be a prank or some rich kid frat thing, but no. I get to the red door (behind that one abandoned chemistry annex), knock three times, and boom — someone blindfolds me. I was like, “Should’ve just parked in Inglewood.” They take me downstairs. I’m seated in a candle-lit circle with 12 other people, all in black robes. One guy’s wearing a Tommy head. Like the actual mascot helmet. They chant something about "preserving the true Trojan legacy" and then ask me... what year I bled cardinal for the first time. I panicked and said 2018 (the year I got a nosebleed at Welcome Week). They nodded solemnly. Fast-forward two hours, and I’m officially a member of the “Order of the Burning Laurel,” which apparently exists to sabotage UCLA events, pull off insane pranks, and keep secret tunnels under campus operational. They gave me a pin, a burner phone, and told me to never speak of this again. So naturally, here I am. Also? That Tesla guy? He’s not a student. I Googled his license plate out of paranoia. He’s listed as a “campus grounds consultant”... but no one in Facilities has ever heard of him. So yeah. I might be in a cult. But at least now I never struggle with parking.